comfort, control, control freak, controlling, destiny, detailed, details, DIY, God, independence, Jesus, life, lists, organization, organize, organizers, outcome, planner, planning, plans, predict, predictions, rely, strategize, strategy, trust
So I’ve had this battle. I am a planner. I am detail-oriented. I love lists. I try to forecast, speculate outcomes and then strategize about possible responses. It started innocently enough. I took care of my mom from an early age and for me to feel like I had some sense of control I would plan for possible occurrences as a way to feel safe and insulate myself from trauma or stress. And I guess I thought it was working well for me for a while, but eventually when life began to throw too many curve balls to be able to predict, it became apparent that I couldn’t handle it all by myself. I’d spent too much time in the mind of my own imaginations and too little in the very real moments of my life.
In the meantime, God had been tugging on my heart for awhile. And when I began to realize how much I was loved by Jesus, I fell for Him hard. Everything that had been dull and flat about my life was now in radiant high definition, vibrant with colors, smells and textures. And although He’d been carrying me through many storms and showed me His grace, I still tried to keep a grip of my days and destiny. I wasn’t trying to pry my life out of His hands, but I was still just holding it a little lightly. 🙂 It was so easy to praise God with one hand and with the other try to mold my situation, projecting my own desires on any given circumstance. I’m guilty. And if anyone is honest, you’re guilty too. It’s just in our nature to want to wield control over our own lives. It’s the American way. We are taught from the beginning that we should have it “our way.” But then after we make hopeless messes of our lives we want to hand it back to the Master and say, “Fix it Daddy.”
The season that I am in right now is difficult. God has been dealing with my longing to have control and to figure things out. Once I feel I have an understanding in one facet of my life, it changes. And all my feelings of comfort and predictability are thrown out the window. I can’t really make heads or tails of what is going to happen even a month from now. I’m pushed to trust and walk forward into a completely foreign land. And the only one who can give me reassurance is my Heavenly Father. It doesn’t matter how much I study, how many people pray for me or where I’ve walked before. Nothing can totally prepare me for where I am right now. And it’s right where He wants me to be — completely reliant on Him. So I look forward to seeing what God reveals and does in me that will bring Him Glory. I know I’m not alone. Are there areas in your life that you need to let go of?