Table for One, Part 2 (Living In The Margins)

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alone, books, childhood, Christian, companion, companionship, content, date, dating, destiny, eternity, female, fiction, love, male, only child, preparation, prepare, reading, relationship, romance, single, travel, writing

I haven’t reached the generally accepted milestones or highly lauded successes (finances, advanced degrees, a mate and kids) of some others in my age range. So though this season leaves me at times with feelings of immense freedom, I’m also challenged at times to find a niche for myself among the changing landscape of the environment around me. Playing it safe or “saved” has been my calling card for about 12 years now. I was never a Sex In the City type of girl, but more so Coffee or Tea with Girls Downtown. I am not about to turn around now when the road is now less traveled by my friends and some I no longer connect with regularly, if at all. Some of it is just natural with the gradual change of lifestyles. While with others it’s more about clearing the path that would eventually hinder either one or both of us along the way. Certainly I’m not spiritually, mentally or emotionally in the same place so it’s never best to hold on to bonds or situations that are not thriving.

Living in the margins of the mainstream existence made me more sensitive to those who people consider live on the outskirts of “normal” life, living. I see a homeless man occasionally in a downtown area I visit often. I’ll call him “Barry.” He is a slight man probably in his early 60s. His bearing is quiet, dignified and unassuming. This time Barry was sitting at a bench eating cat food. Yes, cat food straight out of container like it was a fine delicacy. The sight broke my heart. I was shocked, saddened and felt a little helpless at the same time. And to make it more thoroughly sickening were his “neighbors” sitting next to him. Both we were rather large women blissfully enjoying their yogurt treat. The juxtaposition was disturbing and the image stayed with me. I later gave him some money and his eyes lit up and he said, “Bless you.”

At the moment I face some challenges right now, but I’m not the only facing an uphill battle. Right now there are so many people around me (family, coworkers and friends) who are experiencing some very heavy trials. I wonder if I weren’t where I am right now if I would be as sensitive or care as much. In the bluster of youth, life seems so bright and boundless. The positive focus is great, but rarely tempered with enough wisdom or character to withstand the blows of life. I’ve now seen enough sunrises and sunsets to have faced some mighty trials and stupendous blessings. Right now as I wake everyday, I try my best to keep the Lord and promises before me — through a song or a devotional. There’s truly nothing to go back to. As I traverse a path less taken, I must press on to see what the end shall be. Despite any superficial and temporal standards of the world, the full destiny that’s been prepared for me is here, more real than anything I’ve ever seen or heard.

 

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Table for One – Comfortable By Myself

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alone, books, childhood, Christian, companion, companionship, content, date, dating, female, fiction, love, male, only child, reading, relationship, romance, single, travel, writing

As a long-term single person, doing things solo has become a practice for me. I have friends, family (by blood relation and from church) that I hang with on a regular basis, but I’ve never really shied away from participating in activities where one table or seat is just enough. My cousin Jacque said years ago that when she travels or goes out without a companion, she knows that when she’s fed, everyone is fed. She likes the fact that she doesn’t have to consult with someone else before picking a place to shop, eat or browse. I also grew up my mother’s only child so my imagination was my friend when there were no neighbors to play with or the weather was bad outside. I remember one day reading to my dolls on my bed and pretending we were all on a boat together. Reading books that took me to faraway places made me feel alive and never, ever lonely.

Just like anyone else, companionship is important to me, but I won’t wait for my friend’s schedule to be free before going to a concert or buying a movie ticket. I am a social person and make conversations with complete strangers pretty easily, but I’m able to switch gears if I want/need to. Some people think it’s strange sitting at a restaurant booth alone  or watching a movie solo, but there is a different dynamic involved when there’s no one around. I notice more things around me. When I take a walk I see trees swaying, babies laughing, flowers beckoning for my gaze. If I’m always around someone, I don’t ever get a moment to see the world buzzing around me. And as a creative person, I often use scenery to ignite my imagination. One of my ways to spark my creativity is to sit at a coffee shop, listening to music while words flow from my heart…

I read an article recently citing a restaurant in Japan that seats a stuffed animal at your table if you don’t have a companion. Sounds a little ridiculous to me, but I’m sure many people would rather stay at home then take a walk, eat a dinner or visit a mall without a buddy. Why are some people so uncomfortable doing everyday things by themselves? I think sometimes if you’ve never had to walk the journey of singlehood for long periods, grew up in a big family, or just need to have someone around all the time, it’s a little more difficult to understand.

So I’ll be the pioneer, the fearless adventurer who takes the road less traveled. It’s my goal to LIVE NOW. Sometimes being single for long spells can be a bit tiresome, but appreciating my company and the season I’m in is crucial for me to grow and mature. I won’t wait to dance, to taste, to savor all of life. I’m really ready for all of the amazing experiences the future has in store for me — no matter if it’s built for two or just me.

“I Don’t Want A Relationship”

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Christian, Christian dating, companionship, dating, desire, family, husband, love, marriage, purpose, relationship, relationships, serious relationship, Single Christian, single woman, single women, society, wife

I’m good at taking care of business. You can apply a number of adjectives to my life-managing mind-set: practical, thinker, planner, efficient — sometimes to an obsessive extent. Whether it’s paying bills, scheduling medical check-ups, choosing healthy foods to eat, or deciding on a car to purchase, I am pretty-leveled and adept. Though I do know I haven’t come this far without God’s help. He has certainly given me some great tools to make the right choices. So when it comes to having a mate I can easily say, I am so good on that front. Honestly, I’ve been doing just fine so far.

It’s becoming so much clearer in my life that where I am is sufficient, not defective or broken and there are still so many areas in my life that are yet to be expressed. In my twenties, I didn’t quite know that I was on the cusp of adulthood with still so much to grow through and mature in. I came through some rough times in my youth that are a little atypical for someone of my age, but there was still a little bit of “puppy” in me. I dreamt of the typical desires of a young woman — spouse, house, and babies. And when I was called to step up and take care of my mother in a greater capacity in my late twenties, I surrendered to God’s plan. I was fiercely protective of my mom and became a stronger advocate as her physical, mental and emotional strength waned. Of course there were times that I wondered when my independent life would begin and at times did my best impression of Jacob wrestling with God. But those experiences, though deeply painful at times built up in me a stronger core. Places that were weak became stronger and produced the character and nature of my Father.

And if I’d been married earlier in my life, I don’t think I would have known the depth of the gifts placed in me. My life is fuller and richer than it has ever been before. I’ve had a chance to see myself as an individual and not defined by a title of wife and mother. But I won’t say that I am so self-sufficient that I don’t want to be married at some point in my life. I remember hearing a woman at my church say that she didn’t need a man and all she needed was Jesus. But less than two years later, she was married. You will never hear me say, “I don’t want a relationship.” That’s a lie and it goes against the way men and women were created. We are meant to connect with each other in meaningful ways that lead to relationships and marriage. Denying those very feelings and urges deny what’s been deposited within our very own physical makeup. I can put windshield washer fluid in my car, balance a checkbook, put together a bookshelf by myself, but the intangibles of a committed relationship are more than having a Mr. Fix It or a lover. The chemistry between a man and woman goes beyond the physical and though it can be a complicated space to navigate, the rewards are truly worth it in the end. Right now I am excited for the present. It’s an invigorating place with new professional and personal opportunities. I am still a work in progress just like anyone else, but I am healthy and whole enough to say that where I am is good and I look forward to what is already prepared for me. Let’s not shortchange ourselves by attempting to ignore the very nature God has given us, but go on to see what He has prepared for us while enjoying the journey along the way.

Dating Red Flags for Women

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attraction, balanced life, beliefs, chemistry, children, companionship, compatible, control freak, date, dating, friendship, incompatible, love, marriage, men, red flags, relationship, romance, serious relationship, surefire signs, values, warning signs, women

Dating can definitely be an adventure. Some moments are sweet and others just downright sour. Couldn’t we all use a little help navigating the journey? So I took some time to pull together some surefire signs it may be time to look elsewhere for a partner. Honestly, some of these tips are either based on personal experience or observations of people in my sphere — friends, coworkers, family, etc.

The Creeper — Okay, I’ll put my own experience out there for this one. So it started off innocently enough. I met this guy at Borders, and he asked me for my number. He was a nice-looking man who seemed nice and polite. So I gave it to him. We went to the movies and nothing out of the ordinary happened. At some point in conversation, I mentioned my future plans for going to a coffee shop for a poetry reading — alone. After I went, the guy told me he saw me there. He never came into the building but saw me through the window and correctly described to me what I wore. Ding, ding, ding! The dude was lightweight stalking me! Suffice it to say, I never talked to him again. Anybody who shows up where you are unannounced and possibly undetected means you no good.

Leftover Lover — Some folks don’t know when to let go and have a balanced life. There are some people that have unhealthy attachments to people or things (i.e., family members, a job or other obligations) and it’s nearly impossible for them to be emotionally present. If you always feel like you are always put on the back burner and not a priority, it’s time to seriously consider moving on. You can have a conversation about it, make your feelings known and see if anything changes, but more than likely this person is not ready to contemplate a serious relationship.

Control Freak — This person doesn’t want to let you out of his sight for a minute. While hanging out with friends more than likely this guy wants to dominate your attention and often wants to ditch the crew early. Be careful he doesn’t begin to alienate you from friends and family and you feel dependent on him for all your needs. Often this is a precursor for abusive behavior.

Mr. Almost Right — So you meet an attractive goal-oriented guy going to school or with a great career. He has a great sense of humor, the conversation is great and the chemistry is so on point. But…your values are not the same. Whether its spiritual beliefs, family goals or political affiliation — the very thing you ignore can become an anchor weighing down the relationship. If your beliefs are very important to you, serious consideration needs to be made regarding a relationship that can cause serious heartache down the road.

Drama King — Guys can be just as insecure as women, but they may express it differently. He may put you or himself down in subtle ways, undermine your dreams or blame you for things that are his fault. Or avoid dealing with wounds from the past. He can be very sensitive but avoids admitting he has any feelings. Or he can dangerously resemble a lit powder keg — ready to explode at any minute. This man could use some counseling and spiritual guidance more than a woman in his life. Run FAST.

Baggage Handler — Baby mama drama. Shady associates. Sky-high debt. Old girlfriends are still calling him. Even his family is giving you the Why-Are-You-With-Him? look. This guy is just trouble. Stay away — period.

Any of the guys sound familiar? You may have met someone fitting one or more of the descriptions above. Of course this is not an exhaustive list, but overall we know when the person we are dating is not a good fit. It may take a little time to come to the conclusion, but lingering in a so-so situation makes you unavailable for the right person. Keep it moving until the man meant for you comes into your life.