Waiting All the Way: My Journey of Loss, Love and a Dream Fulfilled

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Bible, career, caregiver, caregiving, Christian, Christian dating, christian marriage, dating, dreams, faith, future, goals, God, husband, Jesus, job, marriage, relationships, single, Single Christian, single woman, single women, trust, waiting, wife

Eighteen years ago, I embraced the love of my life. It was Valentine’s Day in 2002. For about a year, I’d been hanging out with some Christian girlfriends and I had questions. I’d visited a church while I was in college, professed that I believed in Jesus and was baptized, but my Catholic upbringing didn’t really prepare me for understanding what I’d actually done. So now that I had friends my age who were “church girls,” I wanted to know what it meant to be “saved” and just how to live a better life that brought me peace and comfort. I was dealing with a lot. At that time, I was in my late 20s and I was the sole caregiver to my mom, being her only child. It felt like my life was passing me by, but my mother needed me. She had serious health issues and she could not afford to live on her own. Our roles had slowly started to reverse by the age of 14, and my mother looked to me for direction and often companionship.

Me and mom in the 90s. Look at my tiny waist. LOL!

But I was a young woman and I wanted to be independent and see the world. And in a way, I had. By the age of 28, I’d been to England (twice) and France (three times), Germany (a month in 1999) and Montreal, Canada. Traveling has always made me feel alive and visiting those places changed my perspective on life forever. But I was still feeling stuck in my everyday life and craving love. I’ve been a romantic since I was a young girl. My mom loved reading, love stories and period piece movies with a dashing, young hero. So I’d read her old romance novels, bought a ton of my own and I was always on the lookout for my next “love interest.” I’d had a pretty serious relationship that started in my early 20s and ended in 2000 and things felt pretty bleak for me. I didn’t see how I could have a marriage and life of my own when my mother depended on me so much. So by 2002, I felt like my life held more questions than answers. But on a seemingly inconsequential V-day, I read a beautiful prayer that asked Jesus to be Lord of my life. And this time, I had a better grasp of what I was asking. My Christian girlfriends really helped me see what it really meant to live for Christ, not what TV, society or loved ones may have believed it meant. On that day, I literally began to experience God guiding me in my decisions and bringing clarity to my life. I didn’t have a taste for certain kinds of music and movies. I had a deep hunger to consume anything Christian: the Bible, radio programs, church services. It was a very special time in my life. I felt messages leap off the pages of the Word and everyday interactions started to have deeper meaning. Jesus was speaking to me everywhere I went. And I was truly in love. He became my Forever Valentine and every February 14 took on a greater meaning. I could see His hand in my entire life as embodied in Jeremiah 31:3: “The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: ‘I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.'” ❤

But hold up now. That DID NOT make void my longing for a relationship. Not EVER. I was not going to sit up and declare, “Now that I have Jesus, I don’t need a man!” I think new Christians get caught up in that trap as if the two loves cannot coexist. Maybe it’s the intensity of experiencing the love of Christ and because His love is perfect we think it’s somehow minimizing the honeymoon experience. I will say that most new Christians do need to focus on learning and growing in their relationship with Christ because distractions are out there to trip people up. But acting like you’re asexual and not made for companionship is just unrealistic and not Biblical. Adam spent time exclusively with God for a bit of time, but He provided a mate for him (Genesis 2:20). Because the Lord knew that’s what he’d need, Adam didn’t even need to ask for a companion. So here I am in the wait of my life. I am doing what’s right by caring for my mom. Now I’m the “church girl” going to every Bible Study, prayer meeting and church service. I actually get up super early on Sunday mornings to serve on the Service Team of my church. Life is very different, but my home life is pretty much the same. My dating life looked like a desert. I’d go to single gatherings where it’d be 2 guys for every 12 women. Ugh. This can’t be my life. And when I invited my friend Mary to one of the gatherings, she ends up meeting her future husband. She gets married on my 30th birthday. I’m outdone by this point in my life. This is not that deal. I didn’t know that God was really shaping my life so exquisitely that I’d be ready in His perfect timing.

How could I know that my sweet, loving mama would be gone before I turned 32? She passed from cancer. The diagnosis came out of nowhere when all her health issues seemed to finally be under control. I buried her on what would have been her 54th birthday. It didn’t seem fair, but she’d been through a lot in her body and she’d begun her own walk with Jesus not long after me. I had the peace that I’d honored her and that I’d see her again in Heaven. I just wanted her to get stronger in her body and feel confident enough in herself to live more independently. I admit sometimes I felt guilty that she was gone. The enormous responsibility I’d been carrying had been lifted and I could finally live life fully, but it came at the price of losing the closest and most precious person in my life. It was hard, but the Lord gave me the strength to build a life for myself for the first time in my adult years. Those times were also exhilarating because I finally got to explore who I was independent of someone in need of my time and attention.

I’m not going to come off like I was just waiting with grace. I’m impatient. And no one really enjoys waiting. It doesn’t matter what it’s for: a job, a boo, a degree, a car, the weekend. We all have our wilderness moments from time to time, but it’s important to continue to press forward and remember that the here and now is not forever as much as our emotions may tell us it is. The word encourages us to not lose heart when it gets tough: “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9). I wanted someone who loved Jesus and would love me from a Biblical perspective. I did not want to go church without my husband every Sunday. But a Christian man + a Christian woman does not always = a match. Compatibility and chemistry are key for any relationship to begin to flourish.

There were moments when I had family and friends just flat out wondering why I had such a hard time finding a husband. And all I could say was that I was trying to wait for the right person. I was perplexed too. Sometimes I actually went years without a date. You read right. Years. At one point, I actually went seven years between relationships. And globe trotting to faraway places? Forget about that. My mom and I used to share expenses. Her disability checks were not much, but it helped every month. I was truly on a financial tightrope. All my funds went to paying my bills and keeping a roof over my head. I was seriously adulting now. No more island excursions and exciting foreign getaways. This sista was happy to get to Chicago or Florida every few years. I dodged a big bullet in 2011 when that old flame from my early 20s came back on the scene, declaring he wanted marriage and he’d missed out on us. We tried long distance for awhile when a new job took him to Savannah, but it ended in a stalemate a year later. I began to feel like an option, never truly feeling like his priority. I decided to end the floundering relationship because I refused to lose the progress I’d gained over the years. It was a difficult thing to do, but I had to believe that there was more and that I deserved it. I’d come too far to settle now.

After that, I started to really look at what I wanted in life and I started to write again in the form of this blog, something I hadn’t done since college. People gave me great feedback, and it felt good doing something that people genuinely enjoyed and resonated with. I had prayed for a new direction in employment. I had so many confirmations that the Lord was all over the transition. This blog was a way I marketed myself to get my foot in the door for a digital job as a Community Manager at my advertising agency. Though the career change didn’t work out cause I was mad miserable and the work-life balance was awful, the writing stuck. It’s only recently that I’ve begun to realize that it wasn’t really the career God wanted me to pursue, it was this. I would have sat on my hands if it’d been left up to me, but I was uncomfortable enough with my position in life to make a change. Comfort often makes us lazy and complacent. If life hadn’t taken the turns it had, I may never have explored my writing again.

By 2015, I was TIED, not TIRED. Because I was so past tired, I didn’t need the r anymore. After my mother died, I lost more loved ones, family members and the pastor of my church. He’d taught me so much of the spiritual foundations I hold today. Hadn’t I done all I could to live right? Work was toxic, money was a little better but just enough for breathing room. I was still paying out to that hussy Sallie Mae and college felt like a dim memory at this point. I’d lived in apartments since I was 10 years old. The way it was looking, home ownership was a long ways off. My credit was great, but I had only $250 as my savings for several years. The Lord surely kept me because I didn’t stop tithing when it got really hard and all my needs were met, including the unexpected ones. But I still wanted someone to share my life with. I am sure to many people around me living for Jesus was holding me back from living my best life. I mean I’m getting a little long in the tooth, right? I was 40 now. Some declared maybe my standards were too high, I seemed inaccessible or maybe it truly was my lot in life to live as a single woman. I held to my beliefs that who I wanted in a spouse was still out there, even when my own faith started to really stagger. Growing up my mom’s only child helped me enjoy my own company in my adult years. I often went to the movies, the coffee shop or out to lunch by myself and had a good time too. I didn’t always feel a need to constantly be with a man, but humans are created for companionship. I read books, prayed and hung out with girlfriends who were in the same boat. And with all the changes in my life, every once in a while, I enlisted the help of Christian therapists to help process my journey. We all can use a tune-up every once in awhile. Life doesn’t stop for us to take inventory of our mental, spiritual and emotional health unless we intentionally do it.

This book gave me so much life! Camerin really helped me practically understand this season from a Biblical perspective.

In February 2015, I met Ray. 🙂 There weren’t fireworks and starry nights at first. We were just getting to know each other, and I’d been through too much to go full throttle without waiting for time to pass. I knew he was attractive, but by then it was not my main criteria for finding a mate. But we really connected on a lot of levels. It was about his heart, his authenticity, his concern and his love for Jesus. We found out on our first date that I went to church with some of his family members. Ray had even visited my church years ago. We’d probably been in the same service together. The timing had never been right before — until now. We took our time to learn about each other and work through challenges and bumps in the road, having fun along the way. And I’ve never had to question how much I mean to him. He’s always made me a top priority. So on May 12, 2018, I became Mrs. Brown or rather Mrs. Haney-Brown. I kept my mom’s name to honor her. That year we bought a house. It’s the first house I’ve lived in for 30 years. This past December, I finally got to experience international travel again. We visited the Caribbean, and I’m looking forward to more exciting trips. I can’t say I ever saw my life unfolding this way back in my 20s, which makes it all the sweeter.

Engagement pic. Photo by Mishira Davis.

There are so many famous and renowned people who changed the world when they experienced a renaissance in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond. Our life and our potential is not tied to our age. And many times, maturity and persistence outlast the momentary buzz that our youth gives us. We can use time to refine us and to give us a more nuanced perspective. Time doesn’t have to be our enemy when we do something in the middle between the beginning and end of our lives. There’s opportunity to reinvent, explore and set new goals. Whatever you are endeavoring to do, don’t let mishaps, mistakes or detours keep you from pressing forward. It can be the very catalyst you need to get you exactly where you should be. All the seemingly “random” events in your life can be woven into a beautiful pattern that the Lord uses to bless your future. — THB

“So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten,” Joel 2:25

“The glory of this latter house shall be greater than of the former, saith the Lord of hosts: and in this place will I give peace, saith the Lord of hosts.” Haggai 2:9

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Ephesians 5:25 

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

Table for One, Part 2 (Living In The Margins)

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alone, books, childhood, Christian, companion, companionship, content, date, dating, destiny, eternity, female, fiction, love, male, only child, preparation, prepare, reading, relationship, romance, single, travel, writing

I haven’t reached the generally accepted milestones or highly lauded successes (finances, advanced degrees, a mate and kids) of some others in my age range. So though this season leaves me at times with feelings of immense freedom, I’m also challenged at times to find a niche for myself among the changing landscape of the environment around me. Playing it safe or “saved” has been my calling card for about 12 years now. I was never a Sex In the City type of girl, but more so Coffee or Tea with Girls Downtown. I am not about to turn around now when the road is now less traveled by my friends and some I no longer connect with regularly, if at all. Some of it is just natural with the gradual change of lifestyles. While with others it’s more about clearing the path that would eventually hinder either one or both of us along the way. Certainly I’m not spiritually, mentally or emotionally in the same place so it’s never best to hold on to bonds or situations that are not thriving.

Living in the margins of the mainstream existence made me more sensitive to those who people consider live on the outskirts of “normal” life, living. I see a homeless man occasionally in a downtown area I visit often. I’ll call him “Barry.” He is a slight man probably in his early 60s. His bearing is quiet, dignified and unassuming. This time Barry was sitting at a bench eating cat food. Yes, cat food straight out of container like it was a fine delicacy. The sight broke my heart. I was shocked, saddened and felt a little helpless at the same time. And to make it more thoroughly sickening were his “neighbors” sitting next to him. Both we were rather large women blissfully enjoying their yogurt treat. The juxtaposition was disturbing and the image stayed with me. I later gave him some money and his eyes lit up and he said, “Bless you.”

At the moment I face some challenges right now, but I’m not the only facing an uphill battle. Right now there are so many people around me (family, coworkers and friends) who are experiencing some very heavy trials. I wonder if I weren’t where I am right now if I would be as sensitive or care as much. In the bluster of youth, life seems so bright and boundless. The positive focus is great, but rarely tempered with enough wisdom or character to withstand the blows of life. I’ve now seen enough sunrises and sunsets to have faced some mighty trials and stupendous blessings. Right now as I wake everyday, I try my best to keep the Lord and promises before me — through a song or a devotional. There’s truly nothing to go back to. As I traverse a path less taken, I must press on to see what the end shall be. Despite any superficial and temporal standards of the world, the full destiny that’s been prepared for me is here, more real than anything I’ve ever seen or heard.

 

Table for One – Comfortable By Myself

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alone, books, childhood, Christian, companion, companionship, content, date, dating, female, fiction, love, male, only child, reading, relationship, romance, single, travel, writing

As a long-term single person, doing things solo has become a practice for me. I have friends, family (by blood relation and from church) that I hang with on a regular basis, but I’ve never really shied away from participating in activities where one table or seat is just enough. My cousin Jacque said years ago that when she travels or goes out without a companion, she knows that when she’s fed, everyone is fed. She likes the fact that she doesn’t have to consult with someone else before picking a place to shop, eat or browse. I also grew up my mother’s only child so my imagination was my friend when there were no neighbors to play with or the weather was bad outside. I remember one day reading to my dolls on my bed and pretending we were all on a boat together. Reading books that took me to faraway places made me feel alive and never, ever lonely.

Just like anyone else, companionship is important to me, but I won’t wait for my friend’s schedule to be free before going to a concert or buying a movie ticket. I am a social person and make conversations with complete strangers pretty easily, but I’m able to switch gears if I want/need to. Some people think it’s strange sitting at a restaurant booth alone  or watching a movie solo, but there is a different dynamic involved when there’s no one around. I notice more things around me. When I take a walk I see trees swaying, babies laughing, flowers beckoning for my gaze. If I’m always around someone, I don’t ever get a moment to see the world buzzing around me. And as a creative person, I often use scenery to ignite my imagination. One of my ways to spark my creativity is to sit at a coffee shop, listening to music while words flow from my heart…

I read an article recently citing a restaurant in Japan that seats a stuffed animal at your table if you don’t have a companion. Sounds a little ridiculous to me, but I’m sure many people would rather stay at home then take a walk, eat a dinner or visit a mall without a buddy. Why are some people so uncomfortable doing everyday things by themselves? I think sometimes if you’ve never had to walk the journey of singlehood for long periods, grew up in a big family, or just need to have someone around all the time, it’s a little more difficult to understand.

So I’ll be the pioneer, the fearless adventurer who takes the road less traveled. It’s my goal to LIVE NOW. Sometimes being single for long spells can be a bit tiresome, but appreciating my company and the season I’m in is crucial for me to grow and mature. I won’t wait to dance, to taste, to savor all of life. I’m really ready for all of the amazing experiences the future has in store for me — no matter if it’s built for two or just me.

The Case for Online Dating

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blogging, commitment, communicate, connect, date, dating, dating online, dating sites, digital dating, email, Internet, long-term, marriage, men, relationship, relationships, single, social media, technology, text, transportation, women

Most people either know or have heard of someone who has tried online dating. Ten years ago, it was still a pretty new concept. Many people scoffed at the idea of meeting a stranger remotely and it conjured in many minds images of the crazy “cat lady” or the quiet neighbor on the block with bodies buried in the backyard. But in the face of an ever-changing global environment and relentless updates to digital communication, meeting people for love online has flourished. Personally, I know quite a few people who have had relationships or met their husbands and wives through various sites such as match.com, eharmony.com, and faithmate.com. There are so many options nowadays it can be a bit overwhelming for someone who is a novice to this new way of meeting people. Your color, nationality, age, spiritual beliefs, or lifestyle choice does not factor into the number of sites to choose from. You will be hard-pressed not to find a community that has not been marketed to. Now if you want to talk quality, that should be reserved for another post. But not surprisingly, you get what you pay for. Nuff said. Of course, you have loosely related sites for “other” activities. I am not speaking for those folks. I am speaking to people who are actually looking to be in a committed, long-term relationship that eventually leads to marriage.

It’s now reported that 20% of marriages in the United States are the result of Internet dating. And while many naysayers have come around to accepting this as a legitimate way to meet a spouse, there seems to still be a significant number of folks who give anyone on a dating site the side eye. Let’s just call them “traditionalists.” But the world is not the same as it was 20 or even 10 years ago. Our lives are busier and filled with more distractions than ever in world history. The pace of the digital age has been a technological blessing, but it has left us more disconnected in our personal lives. We are so attached to our iPads, Twitter pages and smartphones, all the while working longer hours and at the end of a long day the question still remains: When is there time to actually meet new people? If you live in a town like mine where there is no subway system and the weather is often cold, it makes encountering a possible match even more challenging.

“Traditionalists” often site the fact that you don’t know who you are meeting. Does anyone ever? If you meet someone at a party or bookstore, do you really know that person either? And there is always the argument about running into someone who is mentally unstable online. I guess that never happens in person either, huh? Isn’t it entirely possible to meet a “crazy” person in the flesh just as well as online? And if it’s just a matter of compatibility you can easily have a phone conversation or cup of coffee in a public place and realize whether or not there is a real connection.

I am not afraid to admit that I have attempted to make my own “love connection” online. And although it has not been successful for me, I believe it can be an avenue leading to marriage. I do think you have to have a certain mindset to dive into this digital dating pool. Many people while dating (the traditional way included) see a lot of red flags up front, whether it be in person or by reading a profile page, but what you do with that information is up to you. You know what I’m talking about. All those little tell-tale signs that are yelling at you to RUN and you continue to plod along, hoping it was just an isolated incident–until it happens again. A lot of people keep an inner file system AKA known as intuition locked up tight, hoping to never allow it to see the light of day. So I do caution you that you cannot go through this process with rose-colored glasses on or in some type of near nod from the dizzying array of profile pics and information. Just don’t throw common sense out the window. From my own personal experience and from what I have gathered from others, these are some of the tips I would give to anyone seeking a committed, long-term relationship through a dating website:

1. The Profile–First off, are most of the questions filled out? And I am not talking about one-word answers. Most answers should be thoughtfully filled out and preferably with very few spelling errors. It speaks to the level of earnestness and effort the person is putting into making a first impression. And really pay attention to the answers. This is really the time to read between the lines–literally. If you desire to have children, and Mr. or Ms. Beautiful DOES NOT desire children, keep clicking. This is not the time to compromise. Don’t be swayed by the gorgeous professional photo staring back at you.

2. Speaking of Pictures–Oh boy. I could really go on about this.

a. If the first pic you see is of someone holding a beer of glass or wine, this may be a very clear indication this is how this person rolls all the time. Proceed with caution. If drinking and partying all the time is not your thing, it’s probably best to look elsewhere. Pictures should be clear and look recent (no jheri curls, mullets, or hi-top fades). Pay attention to the environment this person is in while taking pics. A lot of family oriented or bar/club pictures will give you an indication of this person’s personal interests and how he/she spends his or her free time.

b. Some people don’t post any pictures. Most websites will encourage you to post a pic because it will increase your number of responses. Personally I find it rather annoying when someone initiates contact and there is no profile pic. It is only fair to give someone an idea of what you look like.

c. Maybe you like to see muscles and cleavage before you know if a potential date smokes or not. I prefer a guy who doesn’t take a bathroom photo with his shirt off. I like a nice physique like anyone else, but maybe like me you are looking for a little bit more substance. So think twice if there are more pics of this person posing in front of a Jaguar or showing off a lavish lifestyle versus a nice head shot with a sincere smile.

3. Spotty Communication–okay so you’ve started communicating with someone you share mutual interests with and find attractive. But how is the conversation? If it’s taking the person a while to reply and the answers are brief, the person may not be as interested as you first believed or is just not serious about monogamous dating. At this point, if there is not talk about having a mini date over cappuccino anytime soon, it may be time to invest more of your time on looking at other profiles.

4. Dating in an Open Space–We’ve all heard it before, but for the sake of folks new to Internet dating: Meet people in public places.

5. Pray–Yeah, I said it. Not everything is revealed with the senses. You can’t always trust what you see, hear or sense. The heart is a tricky thing and when you couple that with attraction, you are prone to miss some important signs such as STOP or PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

So if you’re single and looking to meet someone new, the choice is ultimately up to you. Whether it’s howaboutwe.com, plentyoffish.com or farmersonly.com (yes, that is a real site), there are many options to explore. Or if you still think digital dating is not your thing, try a new hobby or setting that will allow you to get out there and be seen. You may find yourself meeting a whole new social group and enjoying life more. And maybe meet a really great person along the way. Happy dating to all!